A vast crime haul of 28,000 bags of nuts were reportedly stolen from a warehouse in Detroit Michigan. Officials fear this may be an escalation of the Innercity crime wave that has plagued that community since "Coca Cola-Green" was foolishly introduced some months ago.
Cultural confusion, and outbreaks of violence in many regions around the country has been laid at the feet of this profoundly questionable product.
The Detroit "Rodent Affairs Commissioner" Otto Schmink says the "Nut Bag Incident" has the paws of certain Squirrel youth gangs all over it. Leaders of the "Detroit Rodent, and Ferret Action league for Justice" Condemned Commissioner Smink's statement as both insensitive, and near Speciesism.
A suspect below, Dubteppia Johnson, was arrested as she sat outside her trailer in the troubled quadruped ghetto of "Crushed Dreams Lane". "They grabbed the first Rodent they could find," said her outraged neighbors.
Statement from the defendant:
"Hey, I was just reading the racing forms when the Pigs come out'a nowhere grabs my ass, and the next thing I know I'm on the front page of the "Post".
"I don't even like nuts I'm frigging allergic!"
More on this important story as events warrant.
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