"My Life in Hell"

An ongoing problem I have is that I keep forgetting I'm a Nigger,...a Faggot too. However mostly a Nigger. I keep thinking I'm just a person. Ya know free equal all that. I'm not, and never will be, but still I forget.

One tries to do good, but is constantly spat on for one's trouble. Granted I know that these feelings are the re-assertion of my assorted self image, and life long depression problems.

I'm in the process of detoxing from what are now for me deadly Meds. Useful for many years in shielding me from the above madness. However now it just makes it worse. So forced withdrawal with all the entertaining symptoms that come with it.

Though these symptoms,...which you can read about in this months early posts. These while still troubling seem to be simmering down somewhat.

Somewhat.

Pain nausea confusing visual shadows flitting about, and now as I mention further down,..."Chills, and Spills". My guts are ice, and I'm shivering in sweaty cold jags. As I mentioned this was the same as I had when I drug overdosed back in 1989, and in '92, and 2003.

I kept going back to make sure.

I must say each incident was heavenly. A chemical rush from realms we know not the nature of. A true spiritual adventure each. The down side I died each time. Came back, but left this reality three bleeping times. Different experience each journey.

I've written about these over over the centuries. Suffice to say, "Don't do this at Home Kids".

Did I mention that as I write this,...well confession of sorts. I'm enjoying "Cup 'a Noodles". ...chicken soup variety. The feast of choice of junkies, and cramming university students since it's invention by Harry Block, and Paul Touher in 1969. ...Bless them both, and where are they now I wonder?

So here we are. Still adjusting to a new physical reality. That, and to my amazement I'm still breathing. Mind you the "Nigger, and Fag" thing may develop into a problem. I may need the "talking cure" as in therapy. This as opposed to just more Meds which is how I ended here in the first place.

To that point as I posted earlier. "We have become a Nation of Junkies." Though not of the sort envisioned in the great William Burroughs book "Wild Boys",...google it.

More later. There's soup to drink, and prose to hammer out.

Amen.